Not so good day.
I have extreme homesickness. Everyone will probably say I should be shot for saying this, but I don't want to be here anymore. I want to go home. It's cool here and a place that I wish everyone could visit, but it's not for me. I think I would be handling this a lot better if I knew I was only going to be here for a couple weeks or maybe a month. But I know I have a long time yet before I can go home. People were saying how I'll love it there so much that I probably won't want to come back. But the truth at this point is that I love it so much back home that I want to go back.
Today started off ok. Lucas left to go to the Duomo museum again to sketch the Michelangelo statue there. I was in my room reading and waiting for some eggs to finish boiling when I heard someone knocking at the door. I ask who it is before I look through the peep hole and some lady starts babbling in Italian. Looking through the peephole, I see an old lady in a blue dress with flowers on it. I tell her I don't speak Italian and I don't know what she wants and she just shuts up. So I start walking back to my room when she knocks on the door again and babbles again. There's a very good chance she's not just some random woman off the street because the door to get into our building requires a key. Unless someone didn't close the door all the way, no one can get in without a key or without being buzzed in. So I open the door and she starts babbling more, raising her voice. I tell her 'non capisco' or 'i don't understand'. She stares at me for a second and then starts talking again, even louder. I know little enough Italian to get that she was talking about a box, then the television or something like that. And then she wanted me to go downstairs with her. I told her no, I was cooking and tried to get her to understand with the little Italian I know that I couldn't go anywhere and leave my food cooking. If I just turned off the stove and left with her and then turned the stove back on, the eggs would be ruined. She just kept trying to get me to come downstairs. So I tell her to wait a minute 'uno minuto' (I think that's correct) and she seemed to understand.
I close the door and try to call my landlord to ask him who the hell this woman is. His phone is apparently out of service, which is a whole other fuckery I have to deal with now because he was supposed to set up a box for us to get mail as well. So I call Alto but the phone cuts out or something before I can get him to try to figure out what she wants. So I grab my phone, keys, and shoes and go out the door. The woman isn't there anymore. I walk down the first flight and look around for her, but she's obviously gone at this point. So I go back upstairs and try to open the apartment door again. The keys are assholes and you have to use it every time you open the door (unless you're on the inside) even if it's unlocked. It's pretty much impossible to open the door anyway because you have to turn it just the right way in the right angle for it to open. So I stand there for a good 10 minutes trying to open the door. I text Lucas telling him I can't open the door. He sends me back a couple of texts giving me tips on how to open it because for some reason it always opens when he does it. Part of the problem might be my key also because my key is obviously the copy key. 25 minutes in and still no open door.
I start having a panic attack and ask Lucas if he could just come home and let me in. I feel shitty because I hate to interrupt him and I know I'm just an idiot and I should be able to open the door on my own. But things weren't getting better and having a panic attack in a situation like that would be much worse if I just kept trying on my own. So finally, after about 35 minutes of being locked out, Lucas arrives and lets me in. Of course the key works for him. I go and take a Xanax, then try to figure the fucking door out so that this shit doesn't happen again. I finally get it. You have to apparently slowly turn it while pushing in and kinda up and turn it so hard it feels like you're going to break the key. And it sometimes works when you do that.
This is bullshit.
Lucas leaves again after making sure I'm ok on my own. I settle down a little and then pass out for about 4 hours. I had some really weird dream that I can remember quite clearly too. Most of it points out to severely missing my family and Erik. And my video games, haha. I told Lucas the dream when he came home about 10 minutes after I woke up and he said as much as well and that it sounds like it's just my brain trying to process a lot of thoughts.
The internet is being really wonky. The USB modem thing has been really crappy today and randomly cuts out of the internet. It's never really cut out before, just decided to go really really really slow at random times for 5-15 minutes.
There are other stresses that are back home as well. It's even more difficult being here knowing that there are so many problems still back home and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm sure I'll get over this hump. I know I signed up for this and there's no turning back. But it still doesn't change the fact that I just want to go home.
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